Photo: ABC
America, dear readers, kind followers and fans:
I DID IT AGAIN! I WON MY SECOND EMMY!! HAHAHAHA!!! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSS!
And because the universe is balancing your greatest wins, it’s time to talk about Fantasy Suites. No time for a fun preamble about an ABC executive using dynamite to make more cenotes or Jesse Palmer handwriting every Fantasy Suite date card. Let’s go.
What’s going on with these men? I am extremely above this group of business executives and real estate professionals who decide that they simply do not agree with the premise of the entire TV program. Sorry guys but if you want the free trip to Mexico you have to realize that the woman you like has the option of sleeping with a few other guys and you might have to offer. This is the “proposal” TV show. If you want a low stakes dating experience, may I suggest Are you the chosen one? Where Boy’s Island Where The Island of Love. (I think the last one is low stakes? I haven’t seen it. There are too many episodes and are they allowed to have their phones? I’m already overwhelmed.) I know in terms of future Instagram sponsorships and Coachella hype houses, this is the reality franchise to beat, but if you can’t even consider getting engaged, DON’T CONTINUE THE BACHELORETTE!!!
Rachel seems to have made it to the finish line with at least a few viable options, as everyone in Gabby’s stable panics or just doesn’t take her seriously enough. Johnny calls Gabby “the dope girl I’ve ever hung out with,” and I’d throw myself into a volcano if my boyfriend called me that. That’s not how you talk about your future wife. Total humiliation.
Rachel and Gabby sit down in Mexico to let us know that Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love thanks to the scenic views and vibrant culture and nightlife. Can they have their money now? Then they realize how each of their relationships is going. This! That’s what I wanted from my Two Bachelorettes™. I want to see my girlfriends sipping champagne, talking about their buddies’ deep traumas. Gabby thinks every guy is ready to commit (except for Johnny), and Rachel is thrilled that every guy’s family loved her and welcomed her with open arms (except for Johnny’s). Tino). Gabby and Rachel are also quietly freaking out because it was this time last year when Clayton ruined their lives, then they don’t want to do the same to their men…but they’re also completely ready to get along with hotties. They won’t say “I love you” unless the time is right, but they will be French on the beach. To the sequels!
Gabby starts her week with Erich. They both say they fall in love with each other after spending hometowns with Erich’s family and seeing Erich’s more emotional side. Gabby says she wants to spend this day “reveling in that happiness” of saying “I’m falling in love with you”. Read: exchanging several orgasms. It’s clear that Erich is stepping away as a real favorite for Gabby (at least at this point in the episode), and because of the extra time spent on all the other bullshit this season, we didn’t get to see the slow development of this anxiety of Erich. In any other season, we would have gotten glimpses of the favorites on band dates and at cocktail parties with the lead, venting their frustration, or at least in an in-the-moment interview. But no! The only thing we have is Erich telling in confessionals and Gabby that it’s the hardest part of the season, but he’s happy to get through it for her. Erich says, “This must go on forever now. I’m not leaving you,” which, in the context of gazing at a beautiful cenote, is nice, but in any other context, it would be… a little too much. Same goes for Gabby saying “I want to crawl inside of you.”
On the date night, Erich tells Gabby that watching her leave after their date in her hometown made her realize he was in love with her, and she says, “You’re so nice” and crawls into her mouth so she can kiss him from the inside. In terms of Eldritch body horror, it’s pretty romantic. Gabby is happy and they head to the Fantasy Suite. No wacky fantasy sequels this time. No floating sex barges or traditional pre-colonial Mexican houses. Everyone fucks in this hotel’s deluxe executive suite.
The next morning, Gabby is basically floating down the stairs in her little washable silk pajama set and cooing, “I think I should cook.” My daughter got wrinkled last night. She knows she’s in love with Erich now, and Erich knows she can still sleep with two other people and he BREAKDOWN. She tells him to be patient and that she’s there for him, and he should definitely take that as a code that he has in mind. But as we’ll see, these men just can’t help it.
Then we have little glimpses of the inner workings of Tino, something no one needs or wants. Again, Tino is clearly Rachel’s favorite, but the show is very interested in making this man as boring as possible. He wants to vomit at the thought of Rachel wanting to spend the night with someone else. Your dick isn’t that powerful, Tino. There is no such powerful dick.
It’s time for Rachel’s date with Aven! He’s such a little darling that I know next to nothing about! Rachel and Aven spend their pre-date interviews talking about how attractive they think the other is. There have been commitments built on much less. Rachel and Hail – what? What is that ? We reduce to Tino? ! Sit with Jesse? ! What is happening here? First of all, Tino has no main character energy, and we should stop giving him main character time. He has Oh, I didn’t know Jason Segel was in it energy. Second, can’t we continually interrupt Aven’s date with this nonsense? Aven has endured enough. His date in his hometown was to take place before “Men Tell All”. Can’t he get his moment? I know his moment is right to kiss Rachel and tell her how good everything is, but it’s still a moment I want to see!
Either way, Aven is ready for an engagement, and Rachel blurts out that she’s falling in love with him, and they head to the Fantasy Suites. I don’t know if Aven is F1 material, but he’s definitely the great boyfriend you have after some shit, and you keep the relationship going because the sex is good and his best friend has a boat, so you can go on a boat all the time. That’s the vibe, and I want that for Rachel. It also gets the late night fireworks.
The next morning Rachel says Aven has the whole package and he is the complete package. Alright, sis! When she leaves, she says, “Don’t forget me! Don’t forget that I’m falling in love with you!” Rachel is the type to never forget a thank you card.
Now it’s finally time for Tino’s date, and ugh, good. The best part is when he gets on the horses and says, “Oh, the horses. So meat!”, then continues to quietly repeat “horses!” idea of romance in general.Plus her family is reacting so badly makes me want to know…are they just not trusting Absolutely make a good decision in this environment? Because we haven’t seen a “big judgement” from Tino so far. Faced with Rachel’s objections, Tino simply says, “Well, if we’re engaged, they’ll have to go through with it,” which sounds more like a 16-year-old’s plan to get his nose pierced without his knowledge. his parents. There are just too many movies whose posters feature a set of parents crushing their stepdaughter like a bug (but in a fun way) for Tino to think his parents will get over it. In order to defuse the tension, he tells Rachel that he is in love with her, and she repeats it. As I said out loud to my boyfriend on the couch, “Well, that’s the game!” They don’t even have a tomorrow because this show is edited by amateurs who don’t want anyone to know what romance is.
Let’s go to Gabby and Johnny’s date. I mean. Hmm. There is a sailboat. We know it. Do any of us see Johnny get on his knees? Especially when it was previewed for Bachelor in Paradise? Well, he’s not ready to propose to Gabby, and I’m guessing the main reason is “the 25-year-old realtor.” Whatever the reason, we’ll see Johnny in heaven, and Gabby walks into her latest Fantasy Suite a little apprehensive but happy that the men she’s most excited for are there for her – what? OH FUCK.
Somehow, Erich and Jason manage to have two separate but equal freaks out over the concept of this TV show. Jason meets Jesse, and they hold each other awkwardly as Jason explains that he’s not ready to get engaged. And Erich slips Gabby a date card on the bridge, and I’ve never seen a man rummaging so hard in the bag. Gabby is so excited to see him and smooch him some more, and if he had just kept his mouth shut and said how much he missed her and couldn’t go another day without seeing her, his favorite status would have been cemented. Bend the rules in a playful way to give your wife a kiss? A fucking buzzer slam dunk, man! Remind her that you can’t stand the idea of her being intimate with other people when that’s the whole concept of the show? After you already said she feels like she’s cheating on you? And you ever had this conversation, and it sounds like she reassured you? And now she’s mad that you talk about it once again, in front of the cameras, so she feels obligated to respond in the right way Again? It’s the opposite of a slam dunk. A “gently take off”? Yeah, that’s it.
Gabby is all in upset. She feels like she’s walked into a test she doesn’t want to do on camera. She feels like they’ve had this conversation before. I’d bet Erich didn’t know that Johnny was eliminated, and he was just trying to check that she didn’t hit Johnny, and if he had just WAITED, he would have realized that everyone around him was slowly implode. But no! There’s not a man left on Gabby’s team who isn’t deeply invested in making this bad time for her.
See you tonight for the epic conclusion to Fantasy Suites!